Wednesday, December 14, 2011
...and DON'T come back another day...
I went to bed Friday night with a horrible headache beginning...woke up early Saturday morning with it still beating me up, and had to go back to bed shortly after getting up because it turned into a full-fledged migraine. Its kept me out of commission pretty much all weekend and all this week until today...woke up today pain-free...eagerly got on the laptop, and within an hour, the headache was poking me, as if to say, "Hey! Hey you! Remember me? I'm baaaaaack...."
And what is up with this weather? My bones can't decide what to feel the past two weeks. Last week it dropped down to the 30s at night, and never got above the upper 40s or maybe low 50s during the day...it was so nice! Today...it hit 83 on my outside thermometer today...which is actually a sensor that we keep in the shade on our porch, and the temperature is displayed on a wall clock inside our house, that also shows the temperature in our home as well. Its probably the nicest "gift" Justin got from one of his employers at NASA...to date anyway. But I digress. EIGHTY-THREE degrees...on December 14th...I love living here, but sometimes I miss the cold weather too...I spent one winter in Virginia and one winter in upstate NY, and I really do miss "real" snow sometimes. I know if I lived in it all the time I wouldn't miss it as much, but seeing as I've only got two winters to remember in almost forty-two years of living...I'm able to look back fondly.
So between the crazy weather, the headaches and migraines, and the general achiness from getting old, I'm so over the past week. Here's to hoping the pain goes away soon and I can get back to enjoying my Christmas season!
Friday, December 9, 2011
I'm still a little "down," but I think I'm on the mend now. I'm hoping I can wean myself back onto my meds soon...going to try tonight and see if I can keep them down and how it goes. I'll probably end up sleeping away most of my time until I get used to them again, but hey, I probably need the sleep anyway ;)
I will always miss Ruby, and I will always feel a piece of me is missing and that in a way, she was "stolen" from me, but it really does get a little easier as time goes by.
So now its time to plan some fun things for the kiddos for Christmas...think I might get the plain popcorn out of the cupboard and show Bekah and Katie how to pop it in a boiler on the stove, and maybe make some popcorn garlands for the tree...they'd get a huge kick out of it I think...and I'm going to make white chocolate covered pretzels tonight or tomorrow. We ALL love those (except Bekah, who hates all things chocolate...strange child LOL).
Merry Christmas, ya'll :)
Thursday, December 8, 2011
I knew something was off just from that reaction, but the day continued to get worse. My husband's uncle died Sunday, a really wonderful man. He lived a long, full, blessed life, and was a blessing to many. Justin stayed home yesterday in order to go to the funeral. From the moment he returned home, I was biting his head off, over every.little.thing. He got called in to work in the late afternoon, and that made me even worse with my attitude. I was just nasty when he called. I yelled at the children. I sat here and cried and cried because looking at the gifts under the tree, I feel like I've really let my children down this year. I spent an ok amount of money (about $120 on each of them) but I don't feel like I got anything "special" for any of them...just a bunch of piddly little junk. Justin's gift from me still hasn't arrived, and I'm starting to stress over it (ordered it on Black Friday). I was only able to spend $30 on him, and THAT has me feeling blue.
I miss Ruby so much it hurts. I regret not holding her, not asking for her after she'd died and I finally came out of the drug-induced haze they put me in. I have no memories of her. I never kissed her. I have her footprints, but not her hand prints. I know how much she weighed, but not how long she was. These things are driving me NUTS. You can't take back regrets. I knew that going in, and everything I RESOLVED to do when preparing for her birth and subsequent death, I didn't do. I was sick after she was born, I had a collapsed lung, I was on oxygen...but none of that matters...I didn't do the things I KNEW I needed to do to help me have peace. I look at the babies on her playgroup she would have been a member of, and my heart aches. Such beautiful boys and girls...but one is missing. More than one actually...our group lost far too many babies.
I guess losing her hurt so much because I so desperately wanted four children. I found out I was pregnant with her later than in any other pregnancy I'd had, and for a week and a half I was absolutely giddy. I knew almost right away she was a girl. Then the news...she wasn't going to make it. I carried her anyway, knowing the heartache I would endure, never imagining the physical consequences of carrying her. I agreed to have my tubes removed because my doctors were concerned about my health and any future pregnancies. I let everyone guide my decisions, in all but one (many, including "Christian" family members, begged me to consider terminating her pregnancy), and I've never forgiven myself for just letting people push me this way and that throughout her pregnancy. Sure, I stood my ground in a couple areas, and I travelled out of state in an attempt to save her life, but in the end, I just sort of went with the flow, with what the "experts" were telling us, etc.
Now I sit here, on the cusp of forty-two years, and I know I'll never have another baby. My "baby" is nine years old and as tall as many twelve-year-olds. My oldest only has one more year at home with me, and then he'll be going off to college or maybe the military, he hasn't decided yet. My middle is chomping at the bit, wanting to date in February when she turns 16 (God help us all). I have no "baby" to cuddle, to depend on me, to keep me occupied day after day as I sit at home. I have my "fur babies," and while I ADORE my Maine Coons, they're not the best pet in regards to being cuddled. I know in my heart that its for the best that I can't have any more children...my health is pretty bad, and my mental health is worse. It doesn't ease the ache of missing Ruby.
Did I mention I'm off my meds? Yep. That happened over the summer, when I was in and out of the hospitals, vomiting blood, waiting for surgery to remove my cancerous tumor. I couldn't keep the meds down. Afterwards, I've stayed so nauseated that when I DO try to take my meds, they come right back up. So, as many bipolars do, as soon as it becomes "difficult" to stay on the meds, they get tossed aside. I know this is why I'm difficult to live with right now. I know I need to be back on them. I lack the energy to force myself to try again.
So here I sit, at my favorite time of the year, missing my baby, missing my Mamaw, missing my uncle, missing the sense of "family" that Justin enjoys with his siblings and parents. I don't have that. I miss it, and I want it, but I don't have the desire to expend the energy to try to have it. My family is very dysfunctional and full of drama...things I just don't feel I can deal with lately. But I miss them.
Those of you who pray...please keep me lifted up in prayer over the next week or so. I know I need to adjust my attitude, I know I need to be back on my meds, I know I need to do certain things to feel better...I just have to find the energy to take care of it all.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Then I made a priest...and actually decided last week to start playing her. OMG (that's "Oh my gravy," for those of you who don't know me LOL). I LOVE her. I've never attempted a healer in six years of playing WoW because frankly, I don't understand all that stuff about the stats and gear scores and iLevels and such, and it was all I could do to play my hunter or occasional warlock or mage all that well. But...with the help of an addon called "Healium," I have found my niche at long last. Everyone needs a healer. PUGs take almost no time in queue for a healer. I don't even queue for DPS at all I'm enjoying healing so much. And...today the ultimate compliment...I entered an instance in a random PUG (Pick-Up Group for you non-gamer types lol), and one of the DPS in the group, who I'd run with a couple times over the weekend, got excited and told the rest of the group he'd run with me before and what an awesome healer I am. Wow. I've NEVER had that happen...it was awesome.
So...I'm back into gaming, in a big, big way. My guild is running Naxx this Friday...I'm level 65 and hoping I can make it to 80 by then so I can join in and get some great gear and much-needed raid-healing experience. I still don't understand the finer points of the game (all those numbers...I hate math...sheesh) but I'm having so much fun, and its a nice escape from the daily pain and monotony of this thing I call life.
Anyone who plays WoW...come play with me!
Sunday, December 4, 2011
By the way, this started because while out at the store earlier, someone was raising money for "abused children", with signage portraying Christmas trees and Santa Clauses, that SAID "During this Christmas season..." I dropped some money in the bucket, and wished the person a Merry Christmas, and got my rear end chewed for the trouble. I just smiled and told said person I knew the history of the tree and the "seasonal celebration" (they were trying to "educate" me), and to have a nice day and then I left, but inside I was seething. This PC stuff is going too far when you advertise for donations, using Christmas signage and words, and then get offended when someone wishes you a Merry Christmas. That's wanting your cake and eating it too.