Thursday, February 23, 2012

Rough Weeks

So its been almost a month since I posted.  Wow.  I really need to get my head back into this blogging thing.  I feel better when I write.  It was just such a rough month that I didn't want to blog, because I didn't want it to be full of whines and complaints.

So...things are kinda settling down now hopefully.  I did get some good news in the past month...the VA sent me a letter denying my latest appeal and examination by two doctors...but then a few days later, I got a packet saying that I had in fact been approved for fibromyalgia...but they only raised my award from 10% to 20%.  They did backdate it farther, so that helped...I checked my bank account and the VA had sent me a nice chunk of change as a surprise!  Still, with fibro, they're supposed to give me 100% disability...but they determined I'm still able to work and function because I walked into their doctors' offices under my own steam.  Um.  Fibro doesn't mean you're completely incapacitated all the time.  It does mean its hard to keep a job however when every week you have 1-2 days minimum that you literally can not drag yourself out of bed or off the sofa because of the pain, the nausea, the lack of energy, etc.  So, I have to keep fighting.  Unfortunately, I only had 30 days from the date of the letter to appeal, and I'm 4 days past that date now.  I'm going to appeal anyway and hope they take it.

Its not that I'm afraid to work.  I actually enjoy working.  I'm not cut out to be the Suzy Homemaker type.  I adore my kids, and sure, I like to be able to sleep in when I'm not feeling good...but the simple fact of the matter is that I'm my case, I do better when I'm out of the house.  I do better when I have a job to focus on...when I'm bringing in an income, when I feel productive and useful.  Sitting at home, I don't feel either of those things.  Its a vicious cycle.  I've worked steadily since I was 13...often two or three jobs at a time so I could make ends meet.  I don't mind working.  I've also been a boss though...and even if I had an employee who gave 400% when they were at work, I did have to let people go if they called in sick too I get it.  If you're going to be a valued employee, you have to be there.  Period.  End of story.

So anyway...I took the money the VA gave me and bought new tires for Justin's truck ($800!!!!) and paid a couple past due things...I considered using it to fix my teeth, which are in terrible shape from the latest cancer battle, but in the end, I decided to go slowly on the teeth.  My family hasn't had a vacation together since right after Katrina...we went to Disney World in November 2005, and we went with my mom and stepdad, so that was more stressful than anything else LOL.  Jared will be gone off to college in a year...Katie in a year after that.  Bekah is still 9, so her ticket was less expensive if we went now.  So, with all that in mind, Justin and I decided to "blow" the remainder of the money and we went to Disney World with the kids for 6 days (3 in the parks, 2 to travel there and back, one to relax).  I don't regret it.  We're back to stressing over money now, but ya know, we would have been there soon anyway.  The time I got with my kids was priceless.  Sure, I was in a wheelchair the whole time.  Sure, I was too sick to really enjoy myself like I have in the past.  But I DID enjoy myself in other ways.  Watching the joy on Bekah's face as she saw the things she's dreamed about (she doesn't remember the 2005 trip).  Watching Jared and Katie enjoy things in a new way.  Having a maid LOL.

I'll post Disney trip pictures tomorrow if I can get them off the camera.  For now, I'm going to go thaw some meat to start supper, then lie back down on the sofa.  Today is a "bad" day for the fibro, but it'll be better tomorrow.  Oh, and I gotta go find last night's Survivor off the internet...apparently my recording cut off 10 minutes :p

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